What You Need, Is Not What You Think You Need
When couples step into a counseling session, often they’re looking for answers—direct advice on how to fix the issue at hand, whether it’s about money, parenting, or household chores. It seems straightforward: tell us what to do, and we’ll do it. However, counselors take a different route, one that might seem like it’s avoiding the problem, but here’s why it’s actually getting to the heart of it.
Going Beyond the Surface
Think of your relationship issues like an iceberg. What you argue about—the bills, the kids, the housework—is just the tip sticking out of the water. But there’s a whole lot more ice beneath the surface. These are the emotional undercurrents that drive the conflict: feelings of being undervalued, fears of disconnection, or long-standing hurts. Counselors dive into these deeper waters not because the surface problems don’t matter, but because solving the deeper issue dissolves many of the surface tensions.
The Problem With Quick Fixes
If a counselor just gave advice on the content of the conflict, it would be like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches—it might cover it up for a bit, but it won’t heal properly and will likely open up again. Couples might think they want quick answers, but what they truly need is a way to heal the wound underneath so it doesn’t keep causing pain. This approach doesn’t waste time with temporary fixes but aims for long-term health and connection in the relationship.
Focusing on the Emotional Process
The real work in counseling focuses on how you and your partner talk about these issues, not just what you’re talking about. It’s about understanding and changing the way you respond to each other emotionally. If one partner feels ignored, what’s really needed isn’t just taking turns talking, but addressing why the partner feels unheard in the first place. By focusing on these emotional processes, counselors help couples develop the tools to navigate, not just this conflict, but any challenge that comes their way.
Empowering Solutions from Within
Counselors aim to empower you and your partner to find your own solutions. This might sound daunting, but it’s incredibly effective. When solutions come from understanding each other’s emotional needs and working together to meet them, they’re more sustainable and meaningful. It’s like teaching someone to fish instead of just giving them a fish; it equips you with the skills to nourish your relationship for a lifetime.
Real Change for Real Issues
So while it might seem like you need direct advice on specific issues, what you’re being guided towards is something much more valuable: the ability to understand and respond to each other’s emotional needs. This doesn’t mean ignoring the day-to-day problems. Instead, it’s about tackling them in a way that strengthens your bond, ensuring that when the next challenge arises, you’re both better prepared to handle it together. In counseling, you’re not just fixing problems; you’re building a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Practically Speaking
Let’s break down how improving the way you understand and talk about feelings can actually solve real-life issues you might be facing in your relationship. Think of your relationship like a team where both of you are working together, not just to keep things running smoothly at home but to also ensure you both feel supported and understood.
Understanding Emotional Signals
Imagine you’re working on a project, and one of your tools isn’t working right. You’d naturally want to figure out what’s wrong to fix it and move forward. Similarly, when your partner seems upset or distant, it’s a signal something needs attention. By getting better at noticing these signals and understanding what they really mean, you’re essentially troubleshooting issues in your relationship much more effectively.
Talking About Feelings
Talking about feelings might not be your go-to move, but think of it as discussing the game plan with your teammate. When you’re able to say, “Hey, this is how I’m feeling right now,” it’s like giving a heads-up that helps both of you navigate the situation better. You don’t need fancy words—just straightforward, honest talk about what’s going on with you emotionally.
Breaking Negative Patterns
Every couple falls into a sort of dance where one person does something (like withdrawing) and the other reacts in a predictable way (maybe getting angry). Over time, this dance can become a pattern that keeps you stuck. By recognizing these patterns, you can start to change your steps, leading to a more positive interaction. It’s like deciding to switch up your strategy in a game to get better results.
