People are only capable of having relationships with so many people. We don’t need studies to tell us that. We know it instinctively. That’s why we all behave differently in a large crowd than we do in a small group. When there are thousands of people in a room, we expect to be an audience, so we become one. Even the presence of a few hundred people causes us to slip into the role of passive observer instead of active participant. That’s not to say that a large crowd is bad, but the mere fact of its size causes us to act more passively, even in church. So even in unfriendly churches we put on our polite crowd-smile and become an audience.
But it’s different in a smaller group. We expect people to say hello. We hope for connection. We want to be a part of the conversation.
Today’s post is not a slam on big churches. None of my posts will ever be that. Instead, it’s intended to serve as a caution to Small Churches. Friendliness is not more likely in a Small Church. But it is more important.
Crowd Dynamics and Unfriendly Churches
Because of crowd dynamics, people expect a degree of anonymity in a big church. So if they feel a little lonely, that’s OK. They put on their big-crowd face and soldier on.
But in a Small Church, it’s very different. People come to a Small Church expecting (at least hoping) for connection. They often want it so badly that they feel frightened and exposed by the mere fact of driving into the parking lot.
Walking into a Small Church for the first time can be an act of great vulnerability. They know there won’t be anywhere to hide. So when someone feels ignored in a big church, it’s pretty bad. But when someone feels ignored in a Small Church, it can be downright brutal, even scarring to their heart and their spirit.
Friendliness, warmth and connection are not automatic in any church. Big churches know this. Small Churches tend to forget it. And when we forget it unfriendly churches can hurt people deeply.
An unfriendly Small Church can be a dangerous thing.
Big churches are aware of crowd dynamics, so most of them work really hard at overcoming the pull toward anonymity. Many of them succeed and are very friendly. It may even be one of the reasons they became big.
Small Churches need to work just as hard at friendliness, warmth and connection as our large church counterparts do. Maybe even harder, because friendliness is more expected and needed when the crowd is smaller.
